I wish I could get a grip, I wish I could control my life and where I’m heading to.
It started out small, it was one drink, one puff, one brush against my shoulder. It was just innocent fun, a young girl who was experimenting with different things in life. I told myself that this was ‘LIVING’. I felt alive breaking norms, it was a pump of adrenaline every time I did something that was looked down by society. I was a rule breaker, I lived on my own terms.
I didn’t marry, start a family and stay indoors like all the other women around me. I wanted to make my life count, so I did just that. But I slipped, I slipped too far. I started moving in the shadows and living in loneliness. What started out as fun got me hooked and robbed me of my joy. The men who brushed past me started pimping me out. Being passed around like a piece of meat ate away at my insides but I couldn’t stop. I needed this to live, I needed this life of sin to survive.
I hated my body. I hated being touched. I felt wretched, I felt eyes of lust lining every crevice and curve of my body. I knew what they all wanted, there was a reason why I was a social outcast. I hated the kind of person I had become. I had become an object that people used, I was so far gone, I hated myself. Guilt, pain, loneliness, sin, sex, lust, emptiness, shame, hatred, anger…I harbored it all. The demons of my past haunted me. There were voices in my head telling me how worthless I am. I tried and tried to get out, to walk away from this life, I reaaaallly tried. I failed. Over and over again.
At the end of my self, I was tired. I was ready to give up. That’s when I heard about Jesus. I heard that He was in my town, I knew in the core of my heart that I needed to see Him. But I’m such a sinner, human scum, the bottom of the societal chain, “Would he want to speak to me?”
Doubts arose in my heart, but I knew that He was different. I grabbed the most important thing in the world to me, this was the only thing I owned of value, I had an alabaster jar of perfume. With thousands of thoughts running in my mind, I walked over to where Jesus was dining that evening. I knew what I was risking, a sinner like me presenting myself in a Pharisee’s house. This could be the very end for me. But I need to see Jesus.
I NEED To SEE HIM.
I entered the room and it was drop dead silence, I knew what everyone was thinking. The hairs on my skin crawled, fear grappled me. I pushed everything out of my mind, I knew what I wanted. I saw Jesus and couldn’t help myself, I burst into tears. It was like nothing else mattered, I couldn’t see anything else in the room. I wiped his feet with my hair and broke my alabaster jar of perfume at His feet. This was all I owned in the world and I wanted to please Him. Crying profusely, I anointed his feet with the perfume.
Never in my life will I forget what He said, “Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you, go in peace”. My heart felt peace, the kind of peace I spent my whole life searching for. For someone who searched for love her whole life, I found it at the feet of Jesus. It was the most surreal experience ever, knowing that Jesus accepts me and my shameful past. He loves me and He loves you too.
He doesn’t care about eloquence of speech or extravagant talents, gather together whatever you are and own into your alabaster box, bring it to HIS feet and SMASH it OPEN. The ultimate act of worship is crazy, it can’t be explained, it’s extravagant and it’s extreme surrender. Jesus doesn’t care about well thought out schedules and stingy offerings, He looks for ‘are you out of your mind?’ expressions of worship. He laid down his very life for us simply because of His love for us. He valued us at the price of HIS blood, forgiving our debt and offering us an eternal life and right standing with Father God. He’s asking for nothing, He only wants you.
This is my story. What do you have in your Alabaster Box? Bring it to the Savior.
-An Ex Slave to Sin, Forgiven and Redeemed Child Of God and Full time Worshipper
(Yes, I’m all that now.)